Chapter Two
I woke up with my eyes staring at the ceiling of a broken down house owned by the most bizarre mix of renegade... people. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, hoping to wake up a bit. The permanent tension in my muscles didn’t lessen at all. I tilted my head side to side, cracking the joints in an attempt to relieve the pressure. It didn’t help with my headache.
I stood up and stretched my arms. Sleep took a shit-load out of my body. I wasn’t used to sleeping at night. I didn’t like sleeping at night. The room was as usual, practically empty. I don’t particularly believe in unnecessary possessions. There was a small decades old computer humming on a small desk in the corner of the room. I looked back at the mattress on the floor. It was now a heap of blankets and a pillow and sheets. I opened the door and stepped into the livingroom of the house. There was a large sofa that turned to be two sofas. A mess of blankets was sprawled about the sofa, it moved some. I hit it in the stomach and it jerked upright. It stared me in the eye and gave a sort of grunt. I smiled at him. He looked back at me, and then fell back onto the sofa.
“Good lord,” I said. “Get up Damien, you’re supposed to be a day-beast. So go eat a child or something, you son-of-an-Ogre.” Damien grunted again.
I walked across the room into a small galley kitchen. A girl was sitting on the counter by a toaster, apparently waiting for something to finish toasting. She was about the age of fifteen. She looked up when I walked in.
“Morning Kane.” said the girl, Rachael. She had short black hair. Her eyes were an unsettling, menacing gray. She looked troublesome and was the basic definition of deranged.
“Morning Rachael. Sleep any?” I said.
“Sleep?” she let out a burst of laughter, “You know I don’t sleep at night. That’s the only time I can get out and have fun.” I nodded. I completely understood, but yesterday wore me out senselessly, and I needed sleep, as weird as it was.
I opened the refrigerator only to see nothing special, just your average food inventory. I pulled out a milk carton and put it on the counter. Rummaging through an upper cabinet, I found a box of cereal, and a bowl. I poured the cereal into the bowl and got a spoon from the cutlery drawer.
After putting everything away, I took the carton and poured crimson red liquid into the bowl of cereal. My mouth watered. I returned the carton to the refrigerator. Rachael eyed me from her spot on the counter. She snorted a little bit, holding back the laughter.
“Oh shut up,” I retorted back at her, “At least I’m not living in someone else’s skin.” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
“Low blow,” she said in a melancholy tone, “You should try living in a second skin.”
“Hey nymph, don’t diss it if you can’t take your own medicine.” I snapped. She shrugged and pulled out her toast from the toaster.
I left the kitchen and took my bowl to the dining room table. There were two other people eating there already and one was reading an odd newspaper. The girl had hot pink hair and was about the age of twenty. She looked up and nodded at me.
“Gotta light?” she asked me. I nodded and pulled a lighter out of my pocket and tossed it to her with my free hand, “Thanks.”
I sat down at the table and spooned some cereal into my mouth. The tang of the blood was refreshing. The crunch of the cereal made my teeth throb. It was pleasant in a familiar way. The newspaper lowered to reveal a guy of about twenty as well.
“G’morning Kane.” I nodded at him and took the newspaper he had handed me.
“Thanks Brent.” I said.
On the front page was a recap of a rave gone awry at the abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city. The haven of the apparitional community. More of a rave, crowded, shady party and gathering. Pumping loud music, fucking in side rooms, blood feuds in other rooms, and even in the middle of the rave floor. Apparitional beings can get away with murder here. Often do. I couldn’t explain the experience to you, it’s one of those things that you have to experience in person to understand.
Across from me Brent looked up and grinned. His canine teeth were prominently extended, long and sharp. Threatening. I nodded my head back at him. I was exhausted, but I had to muster up my energy. Today was important.
The moment I stepped outside, the sun hit me like razor blades. I cringed and put my head up to my forehead to shade my eyes from the grueling sun. By the side of the house was a long stretch of a gravel road, or driveway. At the end of it was a small greenhouse type building. I walked further back, towards the building, and approached an old black motorcycle. It was my most prized possession.
As I pulled out the driveway, I put on a battered helmet and pulled down the shaded visor. That was better, much better. I drove towards the inner heart of the city, and hit the traffic like sliding in mud. The traffic slowed to a pace similar to trying to run in chest high water, slow and sluggish. I decided that taking main streets was pointless. Instead, I made a U-turn and sped down as fast as the traffic allowed, and headed for a back alley that went straight towards the subway. Before I went to the subway, I had a stop to make.
The ride through the alley was faster than the heavy city traffic, but dodging the stray abandoned couches and the like was tiresome. About ten minutes down the alley I came to a narrow gravel path that looked like it should have been stuck in the middle of a country suburb. I turned off the bike and walked down the drive way.
I approached a shack that appeared to be abandoned, the city’s headquarters for all things “magical.” I walked up the decrepit wooden stairs and knocked on the boarded door. There was silence for what felt like forever. I knocked again, and immediately the door opened to reveal a tall woman with cropped brown hair. She had empty eyes and seemed to see things that weren’t there. She stepped to the side and let me walk in. The foyer was dark. All of the windows were boarded up and the light from the chandelier above our heads was dim. I could just barely make out the details of the room.
The woman walked into the room directly to the right of the foyer. It was an expansive kitchen that was lit better. She walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of coke. She handed it to me and pulled out a chair from the small chrome table, and nodded her head to the seat. I sat down and looked at her take a long swig from the bottle. I set mine on the table, not bothering to even open it. She set hers down and leaned back in her chair. She stared at me for a while. I looked back at her. Finally, she let out a sigh.
“Do you know why I asked you to come?” she asked. Her voice was like tinkling bells, yet dark, it was mysterious and captivating. It grabbed your attention, captivating you, entwining your mind into her curvaceous lips, her wide slanted eyes. She had an elegant face, yet she did nothing to it. She didn’t bother with her physical appearance, but that was only a reflection of her personality. Cold and impersonal.
“I have an idea.” I said. I looked down at my hands, they were rough with years of use. I sighed and reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I pulled one out and put it between my lips. I extended the pack to her as an offer. She shook her head and I put the pack back in my pocket. There was a lighter on the counter behind her, and I stood up to get it. After lighting up, I sat back down at the table. I looked at her attentively.
“I need you to guide a new one.” I understood. All of the ethereal community had to serve a penitence, to guide a newly transformer. Generally, the guide was of the same breed of ethereal being. The ethereal community is made up of all the magical creatures you could ever think of. Ogres, Vampires, different breeds of Faerie, different breeds of Nymphs, Shape-shifters, Werewolves, Witches, Oracles, Goblins, Dwarves, Pixies, Trolls, and then there are the creatures that do not dwell in the city, but in the eternal garden. Those are beings like Mermaids, Unicorns, Centaurs, and the Gorgon. There are many more, but it’s tiresome to list them all.
“Who are they?” I asked. She shrugged her shoulders.
“How the hell should I know? All I know is that the moon is changing, and the scent of fresh one is in the air. My psychic sense isn’t so specific as it is alerting. It only notifies me of a vague shifting of our community. It’s basically a bullshit gift, but you know, at least I can figure out when to bring in the fresh meat.” she smiled and stood up from her chair. “Anyways, you better go. I’d try the subway, but I know as well as you that you were heading there anyhow.” She smiled and headed out of the room towards the back of the house, but paused before she went through the door. “And don’t forget, once you get ‘em, take ‘em to the Ringer, he’ll do the crash course introduction.” She sighed, “I can feel that this one will need it.” I nodded and then walked out the way I came in.
Although the foyer remained as dark as it was before, I could see a young teenage girl sitting on the steps of a decaying staircase. She looked up at me and I could see that her eyes were almost silver. She waved her hands at the opposite wall of the foyer, and the glass vas placed on the table levitated high into the air, hitting the ceiling and shattered into a thousand pieces. The girl ventilated a sigh of frustration. She turned her attention towards me.
“My levitation skills are terrible. I just can’t control it as well as I can in my natural state.” she lifted her hands from her side and showed her palms to me. They were a stunning green, shimmery color. As she moved them, a bit of a golden type of dust scattered everywhere. “Goodbye.” the girl said. She smiled at me before I walked out the door, showing teeth separated and shaped into piercing points. Being a nymph, her bite was more lethal than that of a black widow spider. I shut the door behind me with a loud crash. I could hear the girl inside let out a burst of frustration. The door had cracked off of one of it’s hinges. I walked back up the gravel road towards my bike.
As I drove out of the driveway and back into the alley, an impish black cat with golden eyes sat lazily on the sidewalk. The cat jumped up at the sound of the thundering engine of the bike. I had to stop abruptly so as not to crash into an enormous garbage bin. I turned my head back towards the cat in time to see it rise on its hind legs and lift one of it’s front legs in a type of way. I looked back to the road. Those mystical and bizarre things no longer surprised me. After a century or two, the ethereal life tends to lose it’s mystical and surreal quality. Aside the encounter with the shape shifter cat, the drive down the alley was pleasant. There were a few small homes tucked behind the main streets, and every now and then a small alley path between buildings, or restaurants would show up and reveal the mass compacted traffic that had become one roaring beast. At one point, I ran into a man leaning against the brick wall of a building. I slowed down and came to a stop in front of him.
“How’s about a light?” the man said. I pulled out my lighter and lit it for him. The man pulled a long drag from the cigarette once ten the tip of the fag was burning. The red-hot embers were disintegrating the tobacco leaves. The man sighed in relief. “Thanks. So how was Uri? Was she as unpleasant and bitchy like usual?” The man asked me with his cigarette propped between his lips. He sounded like a mumble. His voice was raw, as if he had a permanent sore throat. He closed his eyes, and when he opened again, they had changed. They were no longer the chocolate brown they had been. They were solid black with a thin white ring around what would have been the perimeter of an iris. He blinked again and his eyes returned to a normal appearance. He let out a deep, rumbling cough. It earth quaked from it’s intensity.
I nodded. “Uri is as Uri does. Cold and brief.” I sighed, “She wants me to find a new transformation.” I kicked down the metal bar on the side of the bike and stepped off of it. I leaned against the warm brick wall next to the man.
“Ah. Gotta admit though, despite her sass, she sure is a fucking magnificent psychic.” he paused to take a breath, and then let out a racking cough that shook his whole body, as well as everything around him again, “Gorgeous as hell too.” I laughed.
“She has her looks, but she’s not my type. I hate it when someone else knows what I’m thinking when I haven’t said it. I also don’t like it when someone knows what I’m going to do before I do it.” I crossed my arms and shifted my weight. I looked at the man. “But you knew that already.” The man laughed.
“I’m no psychic, just a flunky. It’s my job to know everything.” He yawned lazily, in a way reminiscent to a cats yawn. “Now on the other hand, being an ogre has it’s benefits. Except the whole having to shrink thing.” I laughed and nodded. An unfortunate drawback for many ethereal beings living in the city is the exposure risk. They are forced to take on a new shape, live within the skin of a human, masking their true form. Otherwise the world would turn into chaos wondering why the people have gone green, blue, or thirteen feet tall and more massive than bigfoot.
“Well, I should go. If I’m going to get this newbie, I have to actually be at the subway.” I stood upright and turned to look at the man. “Good to see you Mortimer.” He tipped an invisible hat and laughed.
I got back on the bike and drove back in the direction of the subway. It was just before the 8am tram. I parked my bike outside the station and headed down the stairs. I stood in line to get a ticket. I was surrounded by mass faces of empty people. Uniforms and meeting schedules. That’s all they were, no sign life in them.
As I finally approached the window, a young, gawky teenaged boy spoke into a small, crackling microphone. Through the speaker I could hear him stammer something about ticket prices. I looked at him and opened my mouth threateningly and glared at him. The boy’s face went pale, and completely forgot about collecting the money for the ticket he had slid under the glass window. I closed my mouth and grabbed the ticket and walked away. Worked every time.
The expansive underground subway station was filled to the brim with a huge swarm of Uniforms. I made my way to the far north wall. Slowly, the horde of people dissipated into the long tram that had just pulled up. I had no sense of any ethereal being in the room, not even a trace of a transformer.
By the time I reached the wall, almost everyone in the room had successfully found a spot in the tram. Almost everyone. Just as the tram pulled away, a teenage girl came running towards the ledge, stopping in front of the moving tram just to shrug her shoulders in a sigh.
She had long auburn red hair. A long battered leather messenger bag was slung over her shoulder. She turned around and headed towards a cement bench in the middle of the room. I took two cigarettes out of my pocket. I stuck one behind my ear, and then proceeded to light the other one. I took a deep drag and let out the smoke with a sigh of relief.
My fingers started to become numb, and I began to feel dizzy. I looked directly at the girl. She was it. I could feel it, but it was different than usual. Most transfers just sent a prickling in your hands, like they had fallen asleep, but the sensation she sent through me was stronger, more defined. I watched her sit on the bench for a long while. I shifted my weight and leaned more deeply against the wall, propping one foot against the wall. I made myself comfortable.
I watched the way her mind worked, to get a sense of what she was like. She looked bored as hell and indifferent to the fact that she had just missed her train. Though I could’ve been wrong. She looked like the kind of person that took life minute by minute. She seemed fairly indifferent to everything.
She tipped her head back and looked up at the ceiling. Her neck was a pale white, similar to her slightly more colored face. Her long auburn hair fell back into a forest of orange and brown shimmering color.
She snapped her head back down and looked back towards the subway stairs. Slowly, as she looked around the room, she worked her eyes over to where I was standing. Her eyes widened a little as she became more alert to my presence. She looked unsettled and her face was filled with curiosity.
I could tell she had a bold, yet passive, personality by her mannerism. She didn’t bother to conceal the fact that she was looking at me. As I took another drag from the cigarette, I felt the heat of the tobacco burning. I let the cigarette hang at my side again, but I let it fall to the floor. I took my foot off of the wall and put the butt out. I stood upright. I made no difference in my facial expression. It was still blank, showing no emotion of any sort. I found it better to conceal my emotions from my facial expression. It turned me inside out. My face was just as empty as my insides.
I started to walk in her direction. I walked slowly, taking my time. My stride was long and relaxed. There was no tension in my body. I didn’t want to scare her, intimidation was my goal. I finally began to approach her. My eyes didn’t leave her the entire walk towards her. Then, as I approached her, I stood a ways in front of her and stared intently into her eyes. I tried to sense what she was becoming. Or what she was becoming more of.
Her large eyes were a light crystal blue. They were sharp with intensity and intrigue. She stared right back into my eyes. An odd sensation began to take over my body. I felt as if my entire body was lying on a bed of nails. She would be one of my own. Definitely one of my kind. I continued to stare straight into her eyes, but I did notice that, altogether, she had an elegantly bizarre look about her.
After spending what seemed like ten minutes looking at her, I turned around and walked towards the stairs. I had to test her. If she was ready, her curiosity would pull her to me. She would come with me. To make sure she would come, after I reached the stairs, I turned around again and beckoned her with a nod of my head. She looked inquisitive and hesitant. I beckoned with my head again, and it seemed to spark her body. She got up and slung her bag over her shoulder. She walked towards me.
When she reached me, I continued to walk up the stairs. She trailed close behind me. She didn’t say anything, and neither did I. Once we got to the top of the stairs and to the street, I walked towards my parked bike. I could sense that she was still following me. I picked up my spare helmet and turned around and tossed it to her. She was surprised, but caught it. It was weird that she hadn’t even questioned what was happening. I’d never heard of such a passive transformer before.
I got on the bike and put my own helmet on. I shut my visor and waited for her to get on the bike. After a minute and I hadn’t felt her get on the bike, I looked back at her. She was standing awkwardly on the curb, holding the helmet.
“Get on.” I said. She looked at me, her eyes alert. She put on the helmet and got on the bike behind me. “Put your arms around my waist.” I told her. I started the bike and headed off down the main street, towards a club at the edge of the city. We were in the thick of the ethereal community. They tended to gather in the further side streets, further away from the metallic and polluted center of the city in the world of the Uniforms.
I slowed down around a playground on the way to the club and saw a little girl playing on a seesaw alone, going up and down, up and down. She stopped, midair, and looked at us. We were at a stop sign, and I felt the girl look back at her. I looked back myself. The little girl stuck out her tongue to reveal that it split in two at the end of it. Like a double-headed snake. I cringed. My least favorite of the ethereal beings, the modern-day Naga. Although they’re supposed to be good-natured, they tend to be fairly hostile as they grow up. The males are tolerable, the females of the species are not beings to be toyed with.
The little girl’s side of the seesaw went down suddenly and stayed down. My eyes went up to the top and shimmering in the sun was a barely noticeable, outlined in a glittery rainbow dust, was a faerie child. She must have been of the air breed, they are born invisible, and as they grow, they gain consistency. When they hit a certain age they can alternate between being solid and invisible. The faerie breed are all female. They mate with the male nymphs, and some bear nymphs, but most bear faerie females. Though not all nymphs are male, only one type of nymph. It gets complicated. There are almost an assortment of all different kinds for most every species.
After a minute of looking at the children, I sped off back on our way to the club. I could feel the girl shifting nervously behind me. I could tell she was trying to make room, so I moved further up the seat, allowing her to get a better seat on the bike. The pressure of her arms around my stomach increased when I made a sharp turn to go down a long, narrow alley.
It was a pretty short ride to go all the way down the alley to get to the club. The alley opened up to another thick portion of the city, yet it was different. It had darker buildings, unlike all of the skyscrapers made of metallic windows and shiny metal. The buildings were dark, rough stone. The windows were all black. There was one building that had stairs leading down to a black glass door.
I parked the bike and put away my helmet. The girl got off and took off her helmet. I headed across the street, only to be stopped by her voice.
“Wait a second,” she said. “I gotta know, who are you? Where are you taking me? And what is going on?” she didn’t sound angry so much as confused. I turned around and looked at her. There was a rough breeze building and dark gray clouds were building in the sky. They were heavy with rain. I looked her in the eyes.
“All in good time,” I said emotionlessly, “Come on.” I resumed walking across the street and walked down the stairs towards the large black glass doors. I stopped at the bottom and opened the door for the girl. She looked at me inquisitively, but walked into the building anyways.
The room was black with a dark red carpet. There were several enormously built men placed around of the room. Beside a curtained door was a man standing with his arms crossed. He had a big build and a bald head. His eyes were solid black with little white rings in the middle. More ogres. They just had to shrink into big body building skins, typical, but they worked for the Ringer, so of course they had to be big. I walked up to the guy.
“What’s your business?” the man asked.
“To see the Ringer.” I said curtly.
“You got an appointment?” he asked.
“Yeah, I do.” I pulled a cigarette out of my back pocket and propped it between my lips, “So if you don’t mind, I’ll be going in now.” The man moved to block me, but I snapped my fingers and he instantly burst into a dark blue and purple flame. After about a second, he burst into a heap of ashes on the floor. Behind me, the girl let out a muffled cry. I spun around to see her covering her mouth with her sweatshirt sleeves. Her eyes were wide with fear.
“Don’t be afraid.” I said to her, “You’ll understand soon enough.”
“I’m not going in there.” She said indignantly.
“Of course you are,” I said. I could feel the transformation in her bones compelling her to go inside. “You want to know where I’m taking you.”
I turned around back towards the curtains and held them open for her. They revealed a dark clubroom lit by black lights. Everything white instantly became neon. She looked at me hesitantly, and then walked into the room.
There was a huge mass of beings crushed together in the center of the room, one big, swaying, throbbing beast. There was a D.J. that was completely neon white himself working a mixing table. The music was loud, ear-screeching, metal and electricity. All of a sudden, the lights timer switched to strobe lights, and the room suddenly became a flickering flip-book of chaos. I turned back to look at the girl, and she looked amazingly confused, scared, and intrigued.
As I stood in place by the door into the club, I lit a cigarette and watched the girl. Her posture was tense, she kept her arms close to her body. dropped the cigarette on the ground and put it out with the heel of my boot. I had business to attend to. I walked past the dance floor. I nodded back towards the back wall and turned around and headed to it. I could feel her following behind me. We reached a purple padded door. It was soundproof. Another ogre was standing guard. He was a more powerful breed of the ogres. His eyes did not have the white ring in them, they were solid black. He was bald and huge. He looked down at me.
“What do you want with the Ringer?” His voice was deep and unnatural. It was almost like a he was trying to talk underwater, except audible.
“Got a transform.” I told him. He hit a small white button beside the door.
A few minutes later, the door opened. The ogre opened the door and ushered me and the girl inside. He snapped the door shut behind us and we were in a large room. It had deep purple walls and black mahogany wood floors. There was a purple, modern styled sofa in the middle of the room. In front of it was a black metal table with a spread of different vials, bagged powders, and needles on top of it. At the back of the room were three large purple armchairs and a small table. In the middle armchair sat a man. He had solid black skin and dark violet hair. His eyes were solid white, with a small black ring in the middle of them. His sinister and gruesome appearance was intimidating.
I walked over to him and the man stood up. He was wearing a deep plum colored suit. He extended his arm and I shook his hand. He sat back down and I sat in one of the other armchairs. The girl was still standing further away. The man stood up again.
“And who are you?” his voice bellowed throughout the room. His booming voice was eerie and intimidating.
“Ringer,” I said cooly. “Don’t pull the all-mighty and ominous shit.” He looked back at me and let out a burst of booming laughter.
“You always were one to put me in my place Kane.” he smiled and extended his arm out to the girl. She just stood there, frozen in fear. “C’mon now girl, don’t be afraid. I’m not going to eat you. Yet.” He laughed and winked at her. She took a hesitant step towards him. She shook his hand and then recoiled in fear. The Ringer stepped aside and held his hand out ushering her towards the other empty armchair. Once she sat down, the Ringer placed himself back into his original seat.
“So, Kane. This who Uri was sensing?” asked the Ringer.
“Yeah.” I replied.
“Leave us.” said the Ringer.
“But–-”
“No Kane. I have to be the one to give her the crash course.” the Ringer interrupted. “You know how this goes down. Now leave. You’ll be brought back in when we’re done.”
“Fine.” I said. I stood up from the chair. I walked down the stairs before I turned back to look at the girl.
“I’ll be right outside. No harm will come to you.” I said, and then I left the room.
After I shut the door, I walked over to the bar in the club. As soon as I sat down, a female bartender came up to me.
“What’s your preference?” she had short, cropped black hair and long eyelashes.
“A bloody mary.” the girl smiled at me, revealing two enlarged canine teeth.
“I like the way you think my friend, I like the way you think.” she said, and then disappeared amid a large assortment of different concoctions and liquids of all colors. There was a specific bottle that caught my eye. The bottle was clear, and inside it was a shimmering, silver, thick liquid. The woman came back with my drink in hand. “Here you go. It’s on the house, for my fellow Vamp.” She smiled. I smiled back at her.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
“Morgan, and yours?” she said coyly.
“That’s not important. I have a question for you Morgan.” I said cooly.
“Oh. Well, what do you want to know?” she said.
“What’s in that bottle?” I pointed to the silver liquid.
“Ah. That is some good stuff,” she walked over to the bottle, and picked it up, “Here. Take it. It may come in handy.” I took the bottle from her.
“But what is it?” I asked.
“Blood of a Gorgon.” she smiled and headed towards another customer down the bar.
“No,” I said in awe. “It couldn’t be.”
“It is,” she said. “That will kill any werewolf within seconds. Like I said, it may come in handy.”
I took my drink and the bottle back towards the Ringer’s room. I sat outside for what seemed like ages. I must have fallen asleep, because sooner than I realized, the purple padded door swung open with a bang and out walked the Ringer himself.
“Good lord Ringer, you scared the shit out of me.” I said surprised. The door shut with another loud crash.
“Good. Now, I must explain quickly. I gave the girl the memory crash course. Instead of explaining everything, which could take days, weeks, months, who knows, even a year, to explain the entire history of the ethereals. I showed her the memories that every ethereal carries in the back of their mind. The “hard drive” installed into every one of us, despite species. You must guide her, Kane. You must guide her, before she loses sight of her gift,” he took a breath and grabbed me by the shoulders, “She contains a very unique power about her. That is why you could sense her so strongly. She is not just another other vampire Kane, she is the one who, if corrupted, could kill us all. She has the power to eliminate the entire ethereal community Kane. You must guide her down the right path. We cannot let the city walkers get hold of her. They are our ethereal enemies, and if they get her,” he paused and sighed, “if they get her and corrupt her, they will have her kill us.” The Ringer let go of me and stepped back.
“Damn,” I said, “Does she know what I am?”
“Of course I do,” said Delilah, as she walked through the purple padded door, “and holy crap, did I just walk through a door?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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AH! Much, much better. This was just so much more natural and intresting. *claps* hehe.
A few small things though:
I could be wrong, but I think this would be better as decades-old. It flows better. But remember, I could be wrong.
This sentence was awkward, consider revising it...
1. It was a large kitchen with better lighting. (maybe?)
Normally if something is captivating it captivates you. You don't have to say it =D
Missing word. The sentece should start with "I"...I think...
Anyways, like I said, this was much, much better. Good job! Keep up the good work!
-JC
Np. Tommorrow kk?
Mk, fully edited with ur nitpicks in mind XD hate to ask it of you, but would u mind readin over it to see if i missd anything?
hehe, that's awesome! lis. I figure since I'm here, I should finish this!!!!
=suggestion
=edit
=clarity
=opinion
Red= grammer fix
1. My fingers numbed, and I felt dizzy.
2. I began to feel dizzy and my fingers went numb.
ect. ect.
He was hard to look at, he was so gruesome.
Description- Overkill vs. importance
Scenery- There comes a point when you describe a scene so vividly with such intricate detail that the reader stops trying to picture it and starts reading just to get through it. Just a simple focus point in the room, or where an important character is sitting will suffice. they don't have to know about every spiderweb shape up in the corners.
Characters themselves- Again, it's like you wanted us to picture them so badly that their personality was thrown away. Looks can be slowly eased in, where-as personality should be throughout. The reader should know more about who a character is, than be able to find a picture of them with google search.
Actions- Once again, overkill. You described every possible way to do anything, down to the nitty-gritty. Some things are required to be there, true, but sometimes you can give both yourself and the reader a break from decription with a simple, "We drove to the building [small description], and went inside."
Important Things-Especially with Dahlia. You tell so much about everything, except what is important. You need the why's, the how's, the when's, not just the what's. Why is Dahlia being so passive and quiet, what is she feeling, what does it seem like she's feeling? What vibes are kane getting from her? Stuff like that can go a long way in character and story development. Think of it as killing two birds with one stone.
Ethereals-
Fill in the blank
Lastly (I know what you're thinking, finally)-
(Or See Entire Topic)
That should sum it up a bit.
I hope I helped. Despite the lengh of this crit, I do like your story. It's just all the technical things. Don't give up, this has an amazing potential, you have some great ideas in here, you just need to figure out how to use them to the fullest! hehe
Keep up the good work!
-JC
hehe, the about was a typo!!! thanks for pointing that out.
yes, sadly my sentances need some maintenance >_< llol.
I'm working on slowly developing more to the characters.
I'm trying to make Kane be a hard character to read. He's pretty untelling. I'm trying to make him become unnerved and broken down my delilah.
p.s.
ull love this!
i went on google images to look for photos to base off of my characters
and the perfect fit for delilah with her red hair and blue eyes was none other than:
Alexz Johnson!
lol, but if u look at her face pix, she's got her red hair, and crystal blue eyes.
Funny eh?
-C
this phrasing was a bit awkward. Consider removing one of the troubles...or just chagning the sentence to something else.
Blatanly isn't exactly the word here. Rearange the sentece, maybe to something like, "His preminent canine teeth extended, long and sharp. Threatening." That's just a suggestion, you don't have to use it. It could juse help the flow out.
What is it with shify eyes. Two characters in once chapter. that's a little much.
I don't think about is the right word here. Just think about it, it's kind of hard to "about." Doncha think? hehe. Change it to something like, above.
Okay, I read up to the part with Morimentor. he seems cool! My eyes kinda cussed me out though, so I gotta go...it's been a long night! =D hehe
So far this is good, a bit of a slow pace and you could take more time to get the reader to know your characters. Looks alone are not enough.
Good job Clairiee, I'll get back to this first thing tomorrow! I promise! hehe
Keep up the good work!
-JC
Updated ladies and gentleman.
Hope somebody will finally READ it :]
--am working on chapter four now.